So, I promised Lori that I would put up some more of my writings from the previous post.. I’m not sure what these are striving to be, whether just random moments or introductions or if they’re meant to serve a bigger purpose. I just know that I feel the need to write about these people and places that mean the most to me, because if I do that then their out there, their published and nothing can take them away.

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“There was such a calmness about the place. I would spend time there, and I would be happy. I know that it wasn’t perfect, and assuming it was was a mistake on my part, but for the time I spent there, it seemed as close to perfect as anyone could get. I was not used to spending so much time in silence with family. Not used to watching movies, or talking, or cooking, or even doing housework together. So the farm was like a safe haven for me, a place where people came together. It was such a jarring alteration from my own home, which was cold and silent and seperate. I remember coming home from that weekend, and Dad would be on the computer, Mum would be doing housework, and Kris would be off watching television. I know that this seems like a ridiculous reason to crack, but I can’t deny that I did. After leaving such warmth and love it felt like a vital piece of happiness was missing in this place, this place I was meant to call home.”

“I can’t even begin to describe the differences between the two families. One was home, happiness, love, togetherness, and the other were strangers. Forced and uncomfortable. I don’t know if it was time spent apart, that we never got close to them, but to us the boys were no more than someone we had once known and would never know again. I have my suspicions that it was adult interaction that forced us apart - because whenever we were alone together, we got along like we’d known each other for a million eternities. I always felt bad for them, like they never got to live their life as children, the way children were meant to. But what can you do? This was their life, and their story, and I accepted the notion that I could never change that a long time ago.”

“She was more like a sister, a soul mate. I can’t even begin to describe to you the fear that was struck into my heart at any moment I thought something might have happened to hurt her. I grew up believing in the idea that I had to protect her, and for a long time there, I did. But I can’t deny now that somewhere along the way it’s turned around. She no longer needed my help, no longer needed my guidance, but that doesn’t mean that I will ever stop offering it. I can’t tell you how proud I am of her,  of the wonderfully caring and beautiful person she’s became. A fixture in my life, a stable ground, a home, a safe harbour. She’s pulled me from my darkest moments with a piece of wisdom: “Don’t focus on the people who’ve left you, but on the people who will always stand by your side, the people who love you.” From anyone else, an empty promise, a promise of loving forever and never leaving. But from her, this was a promise I believed.”

“She was braver than I, beautiful beyond words, caring, inspirational. She made me feel like anything was possible, made me believe in the idea of carrying on, and of strength. I miss her now, more than words, yet I feel like since she’s gone, we’ve gotten closer than ever before. I hope this signals a new aspect for us, a stronger relationship, one that is more lasting. Because this is a girl who I feel I could actually trust, and believe in, the way I do Lana. That kind of trust is not easy for me to comprehend, and it’s hard to build, but I believe that we can build it from the relationship we’ve started. Maybe from the hours of the darkest mornings when we’re discussing heartaches I wish she’d never had to endure, or maybe just from the magnificence of who she is, but something in this has changed, and for the better. I’m feeling hope for what we can become.”

 I’ve been writing a lot lately. I thought I’d include some of it here. I’ll leave out the names of who I’m introducing, for personal reasons, but this is just.. about the people who’ve changed me.

“She was different than most, this one, if only she knew it. Heartbreakingly beautiful yet deceivingly  normal. She would never see herself, not in the way that others saw her. Maybe if she did, she’d have a little more hope. A little more courage to stand up to the world, to believe in herself and the person I knew she could be. And if she saw what I saw, then just maybe she could finally learn to love herself.”

“I’d never met someone who so defiantly struck a chord in me. I can’t even tell you if we got along at first, being so similar and yet so different, I think it would be safer to assume we probably didn’t. But there are people in life that you meet, pass, and forget years later. There are people who have been with you from the start, who are the norm. And then there are the people that you turn around and find there one day. As if they’d always been there, or as if they were meant to be. And this was her. She had faith like none I’d known before. Such a mixture of light within darkness, casting shadows with rainbows of light. Such a love of life yet such a temptation to travel the paths she doesn’t know. I feel like that no matter what path this girl walked, she would perfect it, she would go about it with grace, and poise, except she doesn’t realize she possesses these qualities. It’s in a dark way, a tragic way, like the after effects of a devastating storm, yet beautiful none the less.”

I’ll include more later, but I wanted to get those out  now.

TWLOHA is a cause I’ve been passionate about for quite awhile, and today I’ve decided to share it with you guys.  TWLOHA is a non for profit organisation, with the goal of shedding light and helping those battling with suicide, depression, addiction, self injury etc. I will include a small snippet of their story in my post, but I ask you to please, please visit the website, read the entire story, and then decide for yourself whether this is a cause you wish to get behind.

“I would rather write her a song, because songs don’t wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. These words, like most words, will be written next to midnight, between hurricane and harbor, as both claim to save her. We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don’t get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won’t solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we’re called home.”

So do me a favour and visit the website? Help to shed some light on the corners of the world that need you the most.

Ew. Sick. I went to the doctor, and he diagnosed me with ‘Sinusitis’. How do they come up with medicines like ‘prochlorperazine’, but have nothing better than ‘Sinusitis’? Speaking of prochlorpherazine, the woman looked at me and was like “Are you taking this for morning sickness or dizziness?” I was a bit  “Uh..” like an idiot, so she was like “Mm, morning sickness, that’s not good love. It’ll all be worth it in the end.” I eventually spit out “Dizzy! Dizzy.” And she just nodded sympathetically. Mum was just looking at me, eyebrow raised like “Oh honey you better not be spitting out that surprise anytime soon.” Not yet. Not to worry.
My boys are back on telly tonight, I’ve missed them. A later timeslot, but Supernatural is Supernatural and I’ll watch it anyway. But for now, I’m gonna go take my stack of medicine and have a nap. Love yee.
P.S - Rub the snow in, why don’t you LJ.

I’ve been struck lately by how monotonous my life has became lately. It’s like an endless whirlpool of the same things over and over and over again. Work family friends work family friends. It seems like a terrible thing to say, to call your fam and friends monotonous, but it’s not them, more my routine around them, when I see them etc. I think I need to step back for awhile and remember how truly wonderful and breathtaking life is. The world is in no way monotonous, we only make it so by refusing to venture outside of our square. I want to take a moment to feel completely small and irrelevant again, like nothing I do matters in the grand scheme of things. I want to be overwhelmed by the sheer beauty and wonder of nature, the love shared between friends, the joy that comes in a moment of utter silence. I want things to be quiet and still and at the same time moving at a pace I cannot imagine.
My dear cousin, you’re over there experiencing one of the biggest thrills of life: Independence, freedom, RANDOMNESS. I know it’s all up in the air for you right now, but enjoy it while it lasts, because it will all fall into routine soon enough. We’re waiting for you at home, and we need you to live big and exciting for us. So just remember: Put me in your heart and go see the world. Then come back to me.

Why can’t you see that I love you for you but we’ll never, ever be okay until you let go of what they all think? I need you like crazy right now and you’re unable to see through the haze blocking your vision to realise you’re not the only one falling over the edge right now. It’s like clinging to a sinking ship, no matter how long you hold on, the only thing keeping you alive will be the one to drown you. You’re blind to everything but you and I just can’t do this with you anymore. I’ve tried and tried to be the person you need me to be - and I feel like i’m holding onto us for you, and not for me. I don’t know why you’re the focus of all my blogs, considering I’d never allow you to read it, but I suppose writing to you is easier than speaking to you. Because I’m tired of the yelling. I’m sick of the fighting. I don’t hate you. I’m not angry. I’m just sick of it.

About a week ago, I had a dream that has stayed inside my head til now. I feel like it’s about time to write it down, because to lose it would be a shame as I think theres still a fair bit to be gained from the experience.

I was in a park, a place that I knew in my dream, but a place that I still haven’t figured out where it is. I was walking with my Mum, slow and steady across green grass, calm, relaxed. She was telling me that they had done construction on the park, and that she wanted to show me how it was now set up. We walked through a break of trees, into a large clearing that had once been chipbark and a sandpit. I had flashes of memories, swinging on the swings, my cousin Lana burying her brother Ben in the sand so that only his head stuck out, laughing, joyful memories. But as I looked upon the place, a sense of unease washed over me. It had changed - the park had been demolished, and was now a settlement of about 5-6 large, two story white houses. Along up the hill, the swings with the chipbark had been relocated, and the sandpit you could find by following a path up further, where it was now situated under a wooden covering. I turned in a circle, watching the house, and when I came 360 Mum was gone, replaced by 3 people, 2 guys and a girl. One of the guys and the girl were laughing and pointing to a house across from the one we were standing at, and saying stuff like “Oh no, our bedroom faces theirs, we don’t want to see the boring almost-married sex!” The third guy was laughing and hugging me, kissing my forehead and smiling like we had every day in the world to be this happy. The feeling of joy was immense, immediately overwhelming any feelings of unease we had. Even though I have no idea who this guy was, I do know I was irrevocably, undeniably, one hundred percent in love with him. I started laughing and joking with them, hugging the beautiful man, feeling an incredible kind of happiness. I didn’t want this scene to end, I wanted to watch this man forever, to know everything there was to know about him. His beautiful smile shined down on me, laughter in his eyes as he spun me around, picked me up and carried me inside. I was laughing almost hysterically, not because of anything funny, but just because I was that happy. It flashed between scenes of us unpacking - setting our house up - smiling and waving to our friends across the road from our bedroom window as they smiled back. Eating our first dinner, him calling it “family style”. Suddenly it was night time, and the mood of the dream changed instantly. He was erratic, nervous. He’d peek out the front door and shut the curtains quickly, before he could barely catch a glimpse. He ran around the house checking the windows were locked, blocking the slits underneath the doors with towels. In between he’d come to me, sit beside me and hold me tight, smooth my hair back and murmer “It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.” I just watched him blankly. How could anything possibly not be okay in this paradise? It took me awhile before I realised, it was 9 o’clock and every single house in the place had lights off, windows shut, and no noise emanating from the property. I was confused, but when I turned to ask him why, he just placed a finger over my lips and whispered “Shh. We have to be quiet, or they’ll find us.” The entire night went like this. We did not dare venture from the couch, anytime I went to move or speak he’d just whisper in a barely audible voice “Shh.. they’ll find us. They’ll find us.” I cannot explain in words how this felt. The silence and the darkness was suffocating. It enveloped us like a blanket, erasing all hope and love from our relationship. We knew nothing but waiting, endless waiting, waiting for something to happen and desperately praying that it wouldn’t in the same moment. There was no sound. No bugs chirping, no sounds of the house settling. A unnatural air had taken over, making it harder to breath. The air was damp, clammy with something, not heat, because for a summers day the night had given an incredible chill. We watched the wall, waiting, praying, for the sun to rise. It gradually got lighter, lighter, lighter. In relief I looked up into the face of this man, this man that I loved so incredibly, only to see a stranger staring back at me. Eyes blank, face pale, the sun had still not rekindled joy into his heart.
It flickered again, and I was rolling over lazily. The sun was blinding, 2 pm. I grinned and stretched, listening to the sounds of my love cooking for us in the kitchen. He was singing in a low, husky voice, he didn’t have the best voice but he sounded happy again. I stood and walked into the hallway,

And then I woke up. It was so vivid - so strange - I feel like theres so much more to know about this dream… and I hope I can get back to it.

I haven’t really felt like blogging about this until now, but I felt like such a huge event needed to be remembered in a way, if not just to sort out my feelings on the whole thing. I can’t believe that the world has lost such a talent, it seems as if every thing’s a little darker now, a duller shade. To imagine such a life taken so early, is unjust. Not only his, but everything and everyones. So many wonderful talents taken before the world could truly get to see them, to understand them. Stripped without reason or meaning just to become a fading star, immortalised forever but yet so heartbreakingly mortal. RIP, Heath. You will be sorely missed.

So basically, you’re meant to say ten things to ten people without saying their names. Maybe it’s healthy. So here goes.

1. For so long I let your hatred and your bitterness towards me effect the way I saw myself. I assumed that you being unable to forgive me was a reflection on me, meant that I didn’t deserve it. It took me a long time, but I’ve finally realized that I never needed your forgiveness, only my own. And for what it’s worth, I forgive you too.

2. I’ll always protect you, you’ve been raised as my sister and I love you and your brother to death. I know he’s hurting and we’ll help him because it’s been us against the world so many times and we’ve always, always pulled through. I’m so proud of you and the steps you’ve become to be the person I know you can be.

3. You’re the only person who has the ability to strike fear into me - not as in I’m scared for you, which I am, but as in I’m scared of how I’ll go living without you. I hear how he makes you hurt and I hate it -it’s like he can steal a little bit more of you away each time and I don’t think you realize, that the way you fear losing him is similar to the way I fear losing you. You’re my sister in each and every way the meaning counts and if I were to lose you, it would be the same as if you were to lose him. And you know how much I hate that, needing a friend or family member because I’ve always been so set on only needing myself. But I’ve come to rely on you, and I’m scared of losing that. But I don’t know how to hold on. I’m trusting you with this one, sister. ‘Cause I do loveoo.

4. Our history is long, and the wounds have cut so deep that I can’t even feel them anymore. They say time heals all wounds, but times made this one worse. But it’s okay. I can live without you.

5. I miss you. I love you. Live free, swim with your dolphins and know you changed my world for the better.

6. Sometimes people disappoint you, but I still love you. I’m just not sure I know you anymore.

7. Why can’t I trust you?

8. You’re a good friend. We laugh and talk for hours, and hours, and we fangirl and go crazy and you just know how to heal me. So thank you.

9. Our bond is deep and strong and I love that you understand me and music. It makes me feel like maybe you understand everything.

10. I’m not afraid of you.

Cleaning, is for the lose. I’ve spent the night before last, last night, and all this morning cleaning. And my bedroom is still not clean. Yes, people, this is my bedroom I’m talking about. Not the entire house, just my room. It gets like this after awhile (okay, a long time) of not cleaning and then I clean it and everytime I swear it won’t get like that again. But of course it does. I think I’m just incurably messy.